This kinda disgusts me+snowballing

There actually exists a group that tells people their mental illness is caused by self centeredness alone, and that by finding God, they can overcome their emotions. From Wikipedia.org:

Emotions Anonymous views mental and emotional illness as chronic and progressive, like addiction. EA members find they "hit bottom" when the consequences of their mental and emotional illness cause complete despair. This is not unlike when addicts "hit bottom" due to the consequences of substance abuse. The First Step of EA's program, in which members admit powerlessness over their emotions and that their lives have become unmanageable, is an acknowledgment that instead of trying to will away or "white-knuckle" through debilitating emotional states, the emotional suffer will instead try to focus improving their emotional health by changing what is more within their control.[25] In the Third Step members surrender their will to a Higher Power, this should not be understood as encouraging passiveness, rather its purpose is to increase acceptance of reality.[24] The process of working the Twelve Steps is intended to replace self-centeredness with a growing moral consciousness and a willingness for self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action; this is known as a spiritual awakening, or religious experiences.[2][25]

Out of curiosity I looked up twevle step programs, and found the usual AA, NA etc. etc., for substance abusers, but when I found this it kinda bothered me. Especially since seeing this I'm coming to realise what Elicia Spotts was trying to do with me. I, the non-compliant patient, convinced I lacked a soul, refused to do something 'spiritual' as she had told me to. She was convinced God in some form of another would cure me. She didn't last long.

Maybe I just don't make a very good psychiatric patient because I have absolutely no faith in anything. Not religion, not souls, not God, not drugs, not electric shock therapy, not support groups, not CBT (did you really think I meant that? No, you perverts: Cognitive Behavoiural Therapy).

Goddamn rebels and their fucking questioning nature! Lack of willingness to compromise (lack of personality for lack of suicidal thoughts). Complete willingness to fit nicely into their diagnosis (discontinuing medication due to percieved lack of personality).

Lithium ruined me. I've come to realise I actually find it far more..pleasant? enjoyable? fun? to be delusional and mood swingey than to be medicated and feel nothing at all. It's alot less boring.

Even though it used to be me, even though I tried to get away from emotion, I now wonder why I did it, or how. Why other people would want to. By becomming completely detached from reality and emotion I've come to appreciate it now that I'm back. All of it. I smile. I whimper. I squirm. My stomach turns. I dwell on things. I want to die. I question things. I get angry. I feel fuzzy. I'm madly in love with all of it.

Drugs should be for recreational purposes only. Dependancy is the most pathetic thing I can imagine. Being dependant on anything-Anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, alcohol, pot, prescription, illicit.

I look in from the outside now I guess. I watch him drink to ease an imaginary pain. I see him try too hard-to have problems, to be a whore, to be an addict, to fit in, to be appealing. I laugh at him as he fails miserably. I laugh at his pain because, I thought he was my best friend, he used me. I worry, but at the same time I can't help but not care.

Off to hell (if it exists)
<3kibbles